Death Threats in Zumba Class

Tonight I went to Zumba class. It didn't end well. Here's why: 

 

1. I have NO coordination whatsoever. This is mostly to blame on being an ex-swimmer. For those of you who don't know, swimmers are the kids who got thrown in the pool because we sucked at normal sports like soccer.   

2. Rhythm. What rhythm? I gave up dance years ago. I got kicked out of ballet class and can only dance like Beyonce after a cocktail. 

3. I'm tall (and awkward). I really wish I could drop it low...but tonight proved otherwise. 

4. I don't own Zumba attire. I'm convinced that those in a neon tank top and that ugly, nurse-sneaker hybrid are the only ones who can keep up

5. I can't shake what my mama gave me...because she gave me none. Sorry mom, but I got dad's flat, flat butt. 

6. The teacher is crazy and questionably on drugsNot kidding.

7. I have no right to be at the gym. It's true. I should be home pinning or better yet, at happy hour. 

8. I'm only used to suburban Zumba, not city Zumba. Suburban Zumba is filled with housewives and high-schoolers . . . not professionals who go to art school and have been finalists on SYTYCD

9. I suck at positioning. Being the blonde I am, I situated myself in the only corner of the room where the teacher was NO WHERE TO BE SEEN. This meant I had absolutely no idea what was going on. None. 

10. I waited until March to have a New Year's resolution. Actually, I waited until I overdosed on pizza. Long story short, no one told me that each class was an accumulation of moves from the week past.  

A picture from my first and last dance class as a child. Notice how I wasn't even dancing... 

A picture from my first and last dance class as a child. Notice how I wasn't even dancing... 

Side notes: Seeing myself dance in the mirror, I want to apologize to all those who have ever gone out with me on a Saturday night. I also want to apologize to the girl next to me. Poor thing, had to witness a train wreck up close and personal. 

The end. 

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